


Reddie or Not (Please Don't Go)

by chunkycheese53



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Abusive Sonia Kaspbrak, Angst, Angst and Feels, Bad Parents Maggie Tozier & Wentworth Tozier, Blackmail, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Homophobic Sonia Kaspbrak, M/M, Non-Consensual Electroconvulsive Therapy, POV Eddie Kaspbrak, POV Richie Tozier, Sonia Kaspbrak Being Terrible, conversion therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:28:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23318350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chunkycheese53/pseuds/chunkycheese53
Summary: "It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do."At least that's what Richie thought about his relationship with Eddie, before his phone let out a shrill ring with Ms. Kaspbrak on the other side of the phone.This is solely a fictitious story. Please heed the tags and please be careful!
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Kudos: 25





	1. The Last Meal of a Dead Man Walking

Eddie clenched his eyes shut tighter as a small streak of light peeked through the window across the room from his bed. Letting out a groan under his breath, Eddie haphazardly turned away from the window and let out an unsatisfied breath.

 _‘Just let me sleep for a little bit longer.’_ He pleaded in the silence of his serene room until his alarm clock began blaring alerting him that it was in fact time to get up and start another day. As he reached his hand out to slam the snooze button, a gnawing pit grew in his stomach as he thought about what the date was.

It was supposed to be a good day. It was supposed to be the best day. He had marked this day on his calendar months ago. Because it was his and Richie’s one year anniversary. They, well really he, had planned the entire day out starting from start to finish. And he had not planned to wake up alone. As Eddie grasped the edge of his pillow to throw over his face to block out the offending light, thoughts about Richie consumed him.

He had planned today to be their day, but something with Richie lately was off and wrong. And no matter how much Eddie pushed him to tell him what was happening, Richie was stubborn as ever and fervently refused to even acknowledge the other boy. Eddie tried everything to get Richie to be honest and just say what was wrong, but at the end of it all he had no choice but to watch as his best friend and boyfriend constantly withdraw from his love and affection.

“Eddie! Come down for pancakes!”

Without a second thought, he grabbed a pair of shorts and threw on the first t-shirt he found. As he turned the shirt right side out, he realized with sullen designation that the shirt he just so happened to grab was Richie’s from one of the many nights he had crashed at Eddie’s. An aching pang filled Eddie as he thought about how Richie hadn’t climbed through his window in days, leaving Eddie to lay in bed awake for hours alone thinking about the boy he was desperately missing. But as the smell of blueberry pancakes wafted through the house, he couldn’t help but let out a small smile. His mother hardly ever made breakfast, but he honestly could not remember the last time his mother let him have something as sugary as pancakes.

“Eddie-bear slow down! You know I don’t like you running! You could trip and fall. You know how clumsy you are. And I don’t want to spend all day in the hospital getting x-rays!”

“Sorry ma! I just- pancakes.” His face beamed with a radiating smile as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “I mean you made actual pancakes! I just wanted to enjoy them while they were coming right off the stove.”

Eddie walked around his mother, gave her a small peck on her cheek, and washed his hands in the kitchen sink. Ms. Kaspbrak flipped two pancakes on a glass plate and held it out to Eddie. And just like that he felt like an ecstatic little boy on christmas again. Something about this whole situation seemed off to Eddie, but he decided to not look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Eddie dear,” Ms. Kaspbrak said as she watched Eddie pour syrup over his pancakes with an imperious stare. “I need you to run into town to pick up your medicine before school.”

“Yeah, Ma, of course!” Eddie said, unperturbed about his mother’s glare as he stuffed his face with bite after bite. “But these.” He said stuffing another bite into his mouth and swallowed before he spoke again. “These are delicious!”

“Awh thank you Eddie-Bear. I knew you would like them. You better finish eating and get on your way. I wouldn’t want you to be late.” Ms. Kaspbrak said with a spurious smile.


	2. At All Costs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty folks! Here is where things start to heat up.. Please keep in mind this is a fictitious story and heed the tags. Also please note that Richie tries to convince a certain someone *cough* *cough* that he forced Eddie to be in a relationship using trashmouth language. But keep in mind that Reddie is already a completely consensual loving relationship. So please keep yourself safe and proceed with the rest of the story with caution!

Richie scratched his backside as he glared at the phone emanating a shrill ring throughout the otherwise quiet house. After stepping over the numerous beer bottles and cigarette buds that littered the kitchen floor, he sleepily reached into the pantry and grabbed his cereal from the top shelf. Huffing out a breath as the phone rang again, he put the cereal on the table and answered the phone with a short hello.

“Richie? This is Ms. Kaspbrak.”

Richie leaned his head up against the wall next to the receiver and with a yawn told her that his parents were not home at the moment, but that he would have one of them give her a call when they got home from work.

This of course was a blatant lie. His mother was home, just like she normally was at this time of day, but he knew from past experience to not wake her when she was passed out on the couch clutching a glass beer bottle. Richie had preemptively made the decision that it was just easier to say no one was home than to try to explain the situation or risk getting glass shards stuck all over him again.

“No, that’s okay Richie.” Ms. Kaspbrak said with a taut reply. “I actually called to talk to you.”

He paused for a second. In the many years that he and Eddie had been friends, he had never received a phone call from Ms. Kaspbrak. And regardless of how much Richie joked about her to Eddie, he would be lying if he said he did not hate her. He would of course would never breathe a word of any of this to Eddie, but Richie hated how afraid and insecure she made Eddie feel. The stories that Eddie had told about Ms. Kaspbrak hardly ever painted her in a good light and Richie was counting down the days until he could help Eddie move away from her condescending, oppressing grasp.

But he also knew that even through everything she put Eddie through, Eddie would kill him if he did anything to upset his mother. So instead of hanging up on her like he wanted to do, he decided to hold the conversation at least long enough to see what she wanted.

“Oh. Well then what do I owe the pleasure for this very early morning phone call?” Richie responded in a light yet, quite sarcastic tone.

“I know, about you and Eddie.” Richie lifted his head up and held the phone tighter in his hand, not sure if he had actually heard the words correctly. “He is sick, and you… You have ruined my son!”

Richie’s breath hitched. For the first time in a very long time he was completely and utterly speechless. He just sat there with the phone pressed up to his ear dumbfounded. He knew that there was only one thing that she could possibly be talking about. With just a few words, Richie’s world came crumbling down because Ms. Kaspbrak knew that they were together. Richie ran his fingers through his bed head curls as he contemplated every little detail about their entire relationship trying to pinpoint the exact moment he slipped up. Because he was sure without a doubt that it must have been something he did. He was always the one messing things up for everyone around him. But they both had been so careful hiding everything, hadn’t they? They hadn’t even told the other loser’s yet because they were both terrified of what would happen if the truth ever got out.

“Ms. Kasp-” Richie wasn’t sure what his trashmouth was going to say, but he was abruptly cut off before he was even given a chance to start.

“No. You listen to me Richard! He is very sick! He must be or he wouldn’t be acting in such a despicable and disgusting way.”

Tears started to prick behind Richie’s eyelids as he just listened to Ms. Kaspbrak say how sick Eddie was, how he needed help, and how Eddie needed to be fixed. His knees buckled underneath him forcing him to slide down the wall as unwanted memories flooded his mind of when his own parents had first found out. As Ms. Kaspbrak continued berating her son, memories flooded his mind. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t breathe. He just sat there completely frozen, trying desperately to not let Ms. Kaspbrak hear his distress through the phone.

Richie tried to come up with a response to dissuade Ms. Kaspbrak, but he felt like someone had placed a million pounds on his chest. He couldn’t even hear what Ms. Kaspbrak was saying at this point because everything she was saying right now was muffled. Muffled like he was being held underwater by someone or something, and he couldn’t lift his head up enough to stop the water from rushing into his ears or into his lungs.

The only thing he was fully able to grasp was “I’m going to get him fixed before it’s too late.”

Fixed. Like Eddie, the most genuine and breathtaking person Richie had ever known, was in some way broken. That in his mother’s eyes he was in some way damaged and was teetering on the brink of irreparable damage if immediate action was not taken.

The thought of Eddie being subjected to any kind of inhumane “fix” made Richie’s insides writhe. He knew firsthand what getting fixed meant. Letting out an animalistic growl, he slammed his fist into the wall quickly deciding that no matter what it meant for himself he would never let Eddie go through that.

“It’s not Eddie’s fault! I made him be with me! If you want anyone to be fixed it should be me. Eddie never wanted this, but I made him!” Words were spewing out of his mouth faster than he even thought was possible. “Eddie isn’t gay, but I am. I am. And I just couldn’t help myself. I made him.” And with a slight pause he enunciated, “I. Made. Him.”

For the first time since the beginning of the conversation both sides were silent. After a few moments passed, Ms. Kaspbrak let out a noise Richie couldn’t even explain.

“What do you mean you made him?”

Richie hesitated, trying to come up with some sort of plan to save Eddie.

“I forced him to be in a relationship with me in trade for helping him improve his college admission test scores.” He hated himself for saying that. He hated Ms. Kaspbrak even more for what she would do to Eddie if he didn't say that. But he knew he had to keep pushing if he wanted to protect Eddie. “He’s got a nice little ass and his body is perfect for well you know, but he’s as dumb as a rock. He knew there wouldn’t be any college that would accept him without my help. And i guess he figured being a little whore for a while was worth it to make a better life for himself and you.” Richie clenched his eyes shut, trying to silence his breaking heart. “He begged for another way, but eventually he understood what had to be done.”

“I knew it. I knew my son was not a filthy little queer like you. I knew you were the one manipulating him into living a grotesque lifestyle. But I will not let you do this to him anymore Richard Tozier. I want you out of his life and I do not want you coming so close as a 100 feet to him! You will never see him again. And I will be calling your parents to make sure they know everything. I'll tell them how you ruined my son and see that they send you somewhere far way where you can’t hurt my Eddie Bear ever again. And if they agree to do so, then I may consider not calling the police to protect Eddie's reputation. You have taken away enough from him without that. Do I make myself crystal clear?”

Bile rose in the back of his throat at the thought of never seeing Eddie again. But he offered a small “yes ma'am” before the line went dead and the phone fell out of his grasp. As he wrapped his arms around his knees, an agonized scream tore through his shaking body. Richie slammed his fist against the wall as he tried to hold back the river of tears that were threatening to come, but the dam broke loose in a matter of seconds. And as tears rolled down Richie’s cheeks in a steady stream, his mother shouted to quit the racket so she could sleep.


	3. The Truth Will Set You Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is a doozy.. Talks about conversion therapy and aversion therapy in detail. This is solely a fictitious story, but it is heavy. Please mind the tags and please be careful!

“Hey Rich, it's Eddie. Again. I don't know if you got my other messages from the past few days or what, but just- please call me when you can.” Eddie closed his eyes as he tried to keep his voice steady. “And I am sure that the Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

He hated that stupid line but knew it was Richie’s favorite because Serengeti apparently rhymed with Eddie Spaghetti. And after Richie had made that connection, it had become their thing. Africa became their song. They both knew it was cheesy, but after weeks of Richie quoting their song to Eddie in a playful manner it had shifted to mean something more. It had become their way of saying “I love you” without actually saying those three little words whenever they weren’t alone or couldn’t straight out say it.

Eddie, completely lost in thought as to Richie’s sudden withdrawal, lightly placed the phone back on the wall. It had been a few days and while everyone was slightly concerned, Eddie couldn’t stop the foreboding thoughts that something awful was happening. Bev had mentioned that Richie had called her and said he was fine and to not worry, but Eddie knew better. It wasn't like the Trashmouth to just go off the grid like this and give him the cold shoulder. Something was wrong. But whatever that something was, he had no idea.

Ever since they had officially started dating at the end of last year there hadn't been a single day the boys didn't talk to one another. Whether it was on the phone or in person, there hadn’t been a single day and the radio silence was killing him. He didn’t know what was wrong, if there was anything he could do to help Richie, or if he had even been the one that caused Richie’s disappearance in the first place.

Eddie knew it was stupid. He did, but he couldn’t help feeling like he was the cause of the problem. That he did something that made Richie pull away. But how was he supposed to start fixing anything if the other boy wouldn’t even spare him a second to tell him what he did wrong? If he wouldn’t even pick up the phone when he called or return any of his messages from days ago? But before his thoughts could escalate much further, he was pulled out of his stupor by his house phone and without a second thought he reached to answer it.

“Kaspbrak residence, Eddie speaking.”

“Hey Eds.” Eddie’s eyes grew wide as he heard the other boys voice on the line.

“Richie?! Did you get my messages?”

“Yeah I did.” Richie said softly. “Listen I’m so sorry I haven’t called you back until now. It’s just, it’s complicated. But we really need to talk. Are you free right now?”

“Yeah! Do you want to come over? My mom is out right now and I can make those grilled cheese sandwiches you like.”

“No, that's okay. I'll just pick you up from the school in 5.”

Eddie's stomach sank as he realized that was the first time Richie said no to food, especially something that Eddie actually cooked.

“Sure, yeah. I'll be there.”

And just like that Eddie knew the problem was more than just slightly concerning.

-

“Richie I haven’t seen you at all since last week! I thought you were going to come over the other night, but you never showed. And you weren’t even at school. Is everything okay?” Eddie asked with worry dripping from his voice as he climbed into the old beat up truck.

Richie shrugged his shoulders as Eddie buckled his seatbelt, not wanting to say anything until he absolutely had to. He just needed a few minutes. His last few minutes where Eddie still looked at him the exact same way as he did before this whole mess started. His eyes drifted to the loose moulding that was peeling on the bottom corner of his truck’s windshield as he realized that silence was the only answer he could give without coming clean with everything like his normal Trashmouth self would do. So he just drove in silence as they merged onto the highway.

Unyielding thoughts cluttered Richie's mind as he watched the speedometer reach up to 80 miles per hour. Eddie tried asking in vain what was going on, but Richie just shrugged and turned the truck radio on. It took Richie only a mere second to know the song playing, but a small smile cracked on his stoic face when the lyrics began.

“I hear the drums echoing tonight.”

This song. Their song. The song that Richie always sang to Eddie in the middle of an argument. The song Eddie hummed into Richie’s hair in the ungodly hours of the night after Richie came over black and blue from particular bad fights with his parents. The song that reminded them that no matter what shit world they lived in, there was nothing that was going to drag them away from one another. His heart dropped at the irony that line had to now.

Richie watched as his knuckles turned stark white from clutching onto the steering wheel. He shifted lanes as he thought about how he wanted nothing more than to pull the truck over on the side of the road and just tell Eddie everything. He wanted nothing more than to beg Eddie for his forgiveness for something he hadn’t even done yet and to make things right between them, but he knew he couldn’t. He had to drive them far enough out of Derry so no one they knew saw them together.

“Hurry boy, it’s waiting there for you.”

Richie felt like he was driving himself to his own execution, but much like driving on the highway there was no u-turn he could use to backtrack what was happening. He pushed the truck to go faster as he thought how mentally unstable people must have to be to hate someone just because that person loved someone of their same gender. But that was the world they lived in and it was never going to accept them for them. Deep down both of them knew that, but he couldn’t make himself regret anything that has happened since they confessed their feelings at the quarry on that cold December night. And it crushed his soul knowing what Ms. Kaspbrak thought was going to happen to her son if they didn’t stop this now and what she thought was necessary to fix her son because of it.

He bit his quivering lip as he thought about the danger he was putting Eddie in for just having this conversation, but he had to. He couldn’t just leave without a trace of a goodbye. Knowing Eddie he would probably end up blaming himself and that was the last thing Richie ever wanted.

Richie watched in anger as the truck peaked up to 90 miles per hour, unwilling to slow down regardless of how Eddie looked at him with an etch of bewilderment on his face. Of all the things he had ever done, this was by far the worst. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t, and either way he would be paying for it dearly for the rest of his life. But if he was this filled with dread, he didn’t want to think about how unexpected and grevious this would be for Eddie.

With a heavy breath Richie slammed on his breaks, put his hazards on, and threw the truck into park on the shoulder of an old abandoned road. Stepping out into the brisk, chilly air he quickly went over what he was going to say and slammed his door shut.

“Richie what’s wrong?” Eddie asked for the millionth time as he mimicked Richie’s movements and followed Richie to stand out on the road as well. Eddie quickly trailed behind Richie as the lanky boy strayed down a dirt path and stopped suddenly to stand in front of a running river. They watched the water trickle over numerous rocks and logs in silence until Richie’s eyes drifted until they locked onto Eddie’s with a pleading look. But pleading for what Eddie didn’t know.

“Richie, what’s going on? Whatever it is, we can fix it.” Eddie clasped his hand into Richie’s, trying to reassure him that everything would be alright.

Richie couldn’t help but wince at Eddie’s choice of words. A short sigh of absolute frustration escaped Richie’s lips as he jerked his hand out of Eddie’s reach. His heart fell as he pulled his attention back on the rushing water, watching Eddie gape at his empty hand out of the corner of his eyes.

“No, we can’t.” He paused taking a deep breath before he continued. “Look, I have to tell you something. And you’re not going to like it. But no matter what your personal opinions are, you just have to accept it.”

A gust of wind blew over the boys and Eddie’s small frame gave a tiny shiver. Richie desperately wanted to take his jacket off and wrap it around the boy like he had done on so many other occasions, but decided against it. At least until Eddie looked at him with his brown wistful eyes and he couldn’t handle it anymore. Quickly shrugging out of the old tattered jacket, he draped it over Eddie’s shoulders. His stomach twisted at the thought of what he was doing. Here he was having to end things between the two of them, while his fingers couldn’t help but linger on the jacket’s collar. And he made no movement not wanting to pull away like he should have done, but remained right where he was wanting to pull Eddie in so much closer.

Eddie took an uneasy small step towards him and wrapped his hands around Richie’s wrists. “I am not accepting anything until I know what’s going on.”

“Eds.” Richie’s voice dropped to a quiet whisper as he tried to formulate the right words. “You just have to accept it and then-”

“No, Richie! What’s going on?” Eddie pulled on Richie’s wrists trying to get him to say whatever was so clearly on his mind. “Just tell me, please!”

Richie exhaled as he stepped away from Eddie to pick up a few small rocks and lazily skipped one across the water. “We can’t be together.” Richie said, solely fixated on the ripples the rock left behind. “We have to break up.”

Silence filled the air between the two boys as Richie skipped a second rock further than the first. Eddie fervently swung his head back and forth in denial at the thought that this was what Richie wanted. Eddie’s eyes scoured Richie’s face for a hint of a cruel joke, but Richie was not giving any signs of leeway.

“What?” Eddie finally asked, trying to understand where all of this was coming from. “Richie? Richie! Would you stop skipping rocks and just look at me for a fucking second?!”

And Richie wanted to, God knows how badly he wanted just that. But instead he just stood there clenching and unclenching his fist around his last rock. “Eddie we can’t be together, in any sense of the word. Not in the loser’s club, not when it is just the two of us, not ever again.” He ran his fingers through his hair as he exhaled slowly and dropped his last rock by his foot. “I can’t be anything with you.”

“Was it something I did?” Eddie’s voice quivered. “Richie, whatever I did I’m sorry. I’m so-”

“No, Eddie.” Richie quickly caught him off. “It’s not you-” 

“But Richie, please- please don't shut me out!” Eddie begged frantically, his hands grasping Richie’s arms and shoulders almost manically. “I'm, I'm sorry for whatever it was that I did to make you so mad at me-” 

Richie shook his head, trying not to meet Eddie’s pained gaze as he interrupted him.

“Eddie you didn't!”

“Then what was it Richie?!” Eddie’s voice was so loud and so full of pain that Richie couldn't ignore him anymore. He gazed up and looked at Eddie who was staring at him helplessly, his eyes wide and innocent as he seemed to be trying to make sense of everything. 

“I mean, one day we’re rock solid - heck! You slept in my room the night before you disappeared off the face of the planet,” he explained. “And then no one saw you at school that morning, but I still walked to your locker before lunch so we could walk there together like always and sure enough you weren’t there.” Eddie gazed at him, his expression morphing from pain to anger as he glanced away from Richie. “You were just gone. For days you were just gone. None of us knew where you were because even if you skip out at school, you’re always at lunch! Always. If for nothing else just to see me. I was worried sick!” He yelled furiously, glaring at nothing. “I called your house phone so many times and went to almost every hang out spot I could think of, and I even went to your house later that night when I knew you were home. But you never let me in and your window was locked. Something we swore we would stop doing just in case one of us needed the other.” He slowed, shaking his head. “Everyone has been worried about you, but they all think things will just eventually go back to normal. Bev said you said you just need some time and that you're fine, but I know you're not. You never stop by my house anymore, you hardly ever talk to any of the losers, including me, and now this? If you want to break up…” His voice faltered. “But Richie please,” Eddie begged, eyes slipping shut as his hand reached up to clench tight around Richie’s face, almost as if he was afraid that if he let go Richie would disappear forever. “Please don't shut me out, please don’t do this.”

Eddie gently leaned closer as he whispered his last broken plea and something in Richie snapped. He had been trying too hard to keep everything back, not say more than he needed to. But there was too much he wanted to say, too many things he needed Eddie to know that he couldn't hold back.

“Your mom-” He began again, but was cut off before he could say anything else.

Eddie scoffed in disbelief as he wiped a tear away. “Beep, beep Richie. You’re breaking up with me, telling me you can’t be so much as friends, and you just tried to make a your mom joke? You fucking-”

But whatever fucking thing Richie was he didn't know because he cut off Eddie before he had a chance to finish.

“No, Eddie, your mom knows. She knows. Damn it, I don’t want this! I can’t lose you Eddie. But somehow your mom found out about the two of us, and-”

“She found out about us?!” Eddie clutched his chest as his shallow breathing increased rapidly.

“Eddie? Eds, hey!” Richie said as he fumbled in Eddie’s fanny pack for his inhaler. “Hey baby, breath.” Richie pushed the metal canister down, making Eddie inhale the medicine. Richie watched as Eddie tried to push the medicine down his lungs as Richie placed Eddie’s hand over his heart. “Breath Eds, it’s okay. Come on, just in and out. It’s okay. Just follow my breathing.”

Richie moved to push the metal canister down again, but before he had the chance Eddie just pushed Richie’s hand sternly away.

“It’s okay?” Eddie wheezed out. “My mom knows about us and you want nothing to do with me. On what planet would that even remotely be considered okay?”

“Hey, I will always want you. Always. And I don’t know.” Richie’s speech trailed off as thoughts preoccupied his mind on how this was the furthest they could be from okay. “But we just have to act like it is. I had a talk with your mom and she threatened me with a fucking restraining order if I even came so much as a 100 feet from you. But I had to see you one last time just so you knew why I disappeared. I would never leave you out of choice.” Brown eyes locked onto the light steel pair, trying to convey through the look what Richie was saying was the truth.  
“And if you talk with your mom about this, you have to tell her that I made you do everything. Everything that ever went on between us. Blame it all on me. That I forced you to say you loved me, that I forced you to kiss me. Everything.”

Eddie's face contorted with a wince.

“What? No, I’m not-” Eddie swung his head back and forth relentlessly, trying to get Richie to understand that this was not going to happen. “Why would I ever do that?”

“Eds,” a small, sad smile formed on Richie’s lips as the nickname was said aloud. “Eddie, you have to. It’s the only way. I’ll leave the loser’s club, you won’t see me at school, you won’t see me ever. I’ll do whatever you want me to do to try to make this easy for you. Damn it I don’t want this, but you know your mom. And with you living at home with her… we can’t. So you have to make me the villain in this story and then just forget about me.”

“Richie-”

While it took everything he had to pull away from Eddie, Richie slowly stepped back and started walking to the truck without sparing the other boy another glance. Walking back up on the dusty road, he paused when he realized that Eddie was not following behind him like he thought he was. He glimpsed back at the river and found that Eddie had not moved an inch. Richie motioned for Eddie to join him so they could go back to the truck, but Eddie just remained frozen where he was.

Richie shook his head at his boyfriend’s, ex-boyfriend’s unwillingness to make this easy for either one of them and stalked back down to the mouth of the river.

“You have to accept it. There’s nothing we can do to change this. But we have to go back. I have stuff that I have to do before tomorrow.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t just do this because my mom found out and didn’t like it. You wouldn’t because that’s not you!” The words flew out of Eddie’s mouth as he desperately tried to put the pieces together so that he could understand what was happening. “You are not someone who just gives up what you want, you fight for it unless there’s fucking good reason!” Eddie ran his hand over his mouth in contemplation. “And you love me. I know you do. So why? Why are you not fighting for this? For us?” Eddie thought aloud. “Was I wrong?” His voice grew so quiet, almost afraid as if he spoke any louder it would make the words true. “Do you not love me?”

“Eddie, stop.” Before he even thought about what he was doing, he caressed the side of Eddie’s face catching his eyes so that Richie knew he was listening. “Don’t you dare think for a second that I don’t love you. I love you Eddie Kaspbrak and that will never change.”

”Then what?” Richie felt as Eddie’s body shook with a cry. “Why are you just giving us up so easily?”

And just like that Ms. Kaspbrak’s words came rushing back to his mind. His jaw clenched as an involuntary shudder ran through his body at the memory of their conversation. And words were suddenly falling out of his mouth before he had time to think them through.

“I wish to every God that could hear me that I could fight for us Eds. You were my first love and I wish to God that I could be your last. But I’m not going to be the reason you get hurt. I am not letting my selfishness make you go through that. I won't let you go through that.”

“Richie what are you talking about? Go through what?”

And words were stumbling out of Richie’s mouth as he started explaining, truly living up to his Trashmouth nickname. “Your mom said that you were sick, that you needed help. And she kept going on and on about getting you to the doctor’s and to therapy and I can’t. I won’t! I will not let you go through that because that is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I will be damned before I let you go through that too. You won’t go through that. But the only way to protect you from that was to lie to your mom and make up this whole horrible story that I forced you to be with me and make her believe I am the sick one instead of you.”

“Go through what?” Eddie echoed his previous question exasperated, more confused now than he had previously been.

Richie bit down on his knuckles as he tried to keep himself together. “You don’t want to know. Trust me. But you don’t need to worry because I will keep you safe. I’m keeping you safe.”

“No you said that was the worst thing you have ever been through! What is it? Why have I never heard about this?”

“Because I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you, or anyone else, to know.” 

Tears slipped down Richie’s face and Eddie brushed them away one after the other. Eddie’s soft hands wrapped tightly around Richie’s hands as he tried to understand the words that Richie wasn’t saying.

“Rich, you know you can tell me anything. Please, I want to know. I need to know. What is it?”

Richie knew Eddie would never stop poking and prodding without a definitive answer and that would make it near impossible to protect him from what he didn’t know. Only this was his deepest and darkest secret that he kept buried under his exterior of off-color humor and vulgar language. But what choice did he really have?

“Conversion therapy. Only mine was based more on aversion therapy than anything else.”

“I don’t- what is aversion therapy?”

“I told you that I came out to my parents when I was 15. I knew who I was and what I wanted, but my parents disagreed. So they told everyone I was super sick and that’s why I wasn’t coming to school, but that was a lie. I wasn’t at school because I was at a run down medical center. Actually now thinking about it I’m not even sure it had the proper license to be considered a medical center, but that’s where I was for those three weeks.”

“It was your 16th birthday…” Richie gave a small nod. “Everyone just thought you had the flu. And I tried calling you, but every time I did your parents said you were asleep. And everyone else wanted to go over and bring you cake and presents, but your parents wouldn’t let them.”

“Yeah. After I told my parents they took me to a few therapists, only no one would prescribe me any kind of treatment until I was at least 16 for whatever fucking reason. So instead of having a sweet 16 party like I wanted, I spent my birthday and the few weeks after getting fixed.” Richie squeezed Eddie’s hand as the memory flooded into his mind. “I remember it like it was yesterday. The peeling paint on the walls, the smell of the antiseptic wipes in the room. And I didn’t leave that room for three weeks. They said if I did it would interfere with the progress they were making, so they locked the door from the outside. And no matter how much I banged on the door, no one would let me out.”

Eddie bit his lip as he heard the pain in Richie’s voice. He wanted nothing more than to stop Richie from having to relive those memories. But Richie had been keeping them to himself for almost two years now and it was killing Eddie to think about how many times he wasn’t there for Richie just because he didn’t know.

“Chee what happened in that room?”

“The first day, nothing. I just talked to a doctor and he seemed nice enough. He asked me about life and school. He asked me about classes and friends. He asked me about the loser’s club and I had to tell him about each of you. It just seemed like a normal conversation with some whack doctor. I didn’t even think that much about it at the time honestly. But then the next day came and I remembered where I was. What I was doing there. Getting fixed.” He paused, unable to get the words out. “Men came into the room and strapped me down to the bed by my ankles and my wrists. They forced my mouth open and shoved a thick piece of cotton in my mouth that made me gag. And then they stuck me with all these different wires all over, all over and I tried to get away, but there was no way. I was stuck on that fucking bed. That was the first time someone, besides myself, touched me.” Eddie gently ran his thumb over Richie’s hand trying to bring him some comfort from the phantom ghost casting a dark shadow over Richie’s eyes. “They showed me pictures of people. At first it was just a man and a woman hugging or kissing and I didn’t know what was happening. But then they showed me a picture of two men doing the same, and the pain.” His eyes drifted down to his hand that was clutching onto Eddie’s. “Did you know it’s not the volts that kills you? It’s actually the amps.”

Eddie’s heart stopped. “They shocked you?”

“Everywhere. Always in different places so I never knew what to expect. The pain was unimaginable and it was too much. Finally it got to the point where I was begging them to stop, telling them I would do anything, not that I could even actually talk. But every time I did the doctor would just tell me how much of a disappointment I was to my parents, to my friends, to everyone. How much my parents hated me for what I thought I was. How much Mike, and Ben, and Stan, and everyone hated me for what I was. How much you hated me for what I was. He named all of you one by one, because I gave him that information the first fucking day. I lost it Eds. I mean, I really lost it in that place.”

“You barely talked to any of us when you came back. You could barely look at us.” Everything was making horrible sense as Eddie slowly pieced it all together. “Wait, you didn’t actually think any of us hated you, did you?” Richie dropped his head again trying to avoid answering the question. “Richie, we have never hated you. You know that right? You have to know that! We all love you Richie for exactly who you are. I love you for exactly who you are.” Richie let out a gut wrenching sob into Eddie’s shoulder as he clung onto him like his life depended on it. Eddie ran his fingers through Richie’s messy curls and pulled him in even closer. “I love you Richie.”

“And now this. Eds I’m sorry.” Richie’s voice raw. “I’m so sorry. I just- your mom wants to put you through that and I can't let that happen. And the only way I could think of to keep you safe was to make her believe that I forced you to do everything. To get her to think that I’m the one who needs to receive therapy instead of you.”

“What?” Eddie pulled back searching Richie’s eyes for an answer. “What do you mean you had to get her to think you needed to get therapy instead of me?”

“Eddie I love you so much and I would do anything for you. And anything includes this.”

“No. No! After what you just told me you want me to just let you go through all of that again? Are you fucking kidding me Richie? No, that is not happening!”

“Better me than you, Eddie Spaghetti. Just stick to the story and I can keep you safe.”

“No! No fucking way! I am not going to tell my Mom that you forced me into our relationship! I am not telling my mom that you forced me to love you and have anyone blame you for anything. And I will not let you go through any kind of therapy! That is absolutely not fucking happening!”

“It is. I just had to see you before I left tomorrow. I couldn’t bring myself to go without seeing you one last time.”

“Tomorrow?!” Richie’s heart shattered at the pain carried in Eddie’s voice. “No. No, I won’t let you!”

“Eds-”

“Don’t fucking Eds me.” Eddie’s voice dangerously low. “Imagine if the roles were reversed and you were in my shoes. Just imagine for a single second it was me saying this stuff instead of you. You would never let me do that, so why the fuck do you think I would let you? No. It isn’t fucking happening! I don’t care what kind of shit world we live in. That is not fucking happening.”

Richie swallowed thickly as he tried to think what to do. He wanted nothing more than to protect the boy next to him, but the only feasible way to ensure that was to go through the same torture as before.

“Well then what do you want to do Eddie? There is no other option.”

“We leave.”

“What?”

“We tell the losers what’s going on and then we get the fuck out of dodge.”

“But Eds your mom-”

“Do you think I honestly care about her right now? No. Fuck her. Fuck this town. Fuck everything! We have each other and we will figure everything else out. I love you too much to lose you and let you go through that. We’ll figure it out, but we will do it together.”


End file.
